Stress kills. The stress of being "middle class" in a society that seems hell-bent on destroying you exacerbates everything. My salary places me in this caste and I can't catch a break anywhere.
Top financial stress with kid, relationship and school stress and it seems like too much for one person to manage. Maybe there is something fundamentally screwed up about me that I'm struggling to this extent.
The power one person can have over another...... Never will I let another put me in a situation that is virtually unmanageable. That is why I'm still single while so many wonder why I'm not seeking commitment after a year. I was unaware that a year of singledom is alarming.
I keep telling people I don't want a serious boyfriend and I don't think I am taken seriously. One friend says that I don't seem unhappy though I am clearly looking for something. She thinks it's a significant other. I think it's a general peace of mind that probably will not come in the form of any sort of male appendage or the person attached to said appendage.
I can't honestly say I'm completely closed to the idea either. The two men with whom I've had any physical relations with over the past year have both been English so I'm totally sticking to my guns there. The connections I've made with them, while not the stuff marriages are made of, have been far more substantial than the connections I've ever made with any American men. This includes the two I have been married to; a fact I find frightfully telling. If I've found so much more with these blokes, yet neither are potential marriage material, how much of myself did I give up during my relationships my fellow countrymen? There is so much more to be had and I'm seeing real glimpses of that with these English fellows.
Only a few months ago did I realize that I am more attracted to English men than any other type of man. I've been accused of only liking the accent which is total bullshit. It is so much more than that though I do like the way they sound. I am an American girl, after all. It's more than a foreskin fetish though as it turns out, I like those as well.
Ultimately, it's a way of viewing and processing information and the world. I've known from a young age that I see things differently from most of the people around me. Now I'm realizing that my worldview isn't especially unique; it's uncommon in my location. That I tend to share cultural interests with these men helps a great deal as well.
I feel in the bottom of my heart that I will not be single forever, that there is an English man out specifically for me. I'm not sure when or where I'll find him but I'm not going to fret over it. Now that I feel self assured that this is what is ultimately meant for me, I won't settle for anything less.
